Faith N. Hope, You Can Be A Devious Whore

I have always believed that there is a reason for everything and that I will always manage to get by. That all this clawing and scratching is somehow worth it. That I will be delivered from this purgatory back to middle America with a keener sense of self-worth and euphoric glaze in once again being able to contribute to the economy in a positive manner.

This week as been nothing short of a total test of my wits. I try not to get my hopes up and maintain an even keel and then I am at a second interview with my very fate hanging on the decision making skills of two highly trained and driven gentleman who only want the best for their organization. I can see the carrot. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see long term plans coming together. I try not to get excited because I have heard this all before, numerous times. I am sitting in their office selling myself without trying to sound to desperate. But the fact remains the lifestyle I am living has really started to wear on me this week.

I try to tell myself that all the hard work and the leg cramps from jumping through hoops this past couple of years is all going to be worth it. But lately I am questioning every decision's worth.

I have heard in times of struggle people put their faith to the test. I wonder what they seek out? I wonder how their god sends them a message? Although I do not consider myself materialist I used to get my message every week in the form of a paycheck. That envelope told me that everything was going to all right. I have never considered myself a very religious man. As of late I have been questioning that too. I want to know where exactly hope and Faith collide? Is one a function of the other? I am tired. I am tired of being poor. I am tired of the uncertainty.


Enjoy your day

The Miked



Copyright 2010 Dunbridge Truckstop Global Media

Midnight In the Garden of The Dunbridge Truckstop

Sometimes when I look back on things I can't help but see a struggle between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. It seems there is a struggle of Good and Evil. Not just doing the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing for me and sometimes being Good at being Evil.

I have always tried to do the right thing. I have sometimes become this reflection of the false identity people saw me for. I was no angel back in the day that's for sure. I am trying to do better now but still grapple with the the struggle of being the real me and being the dumb fat kid people can write me off for. It can be said that I have not always done my best at promoting otherwise. I was very good at being Evil.

The mind games we play with ourselves in order to justify our behaviors is maddening. I know that if I want to bad enough I can justify my bad behavior to anyone. The big question is why can't I sell the good side of myself with the same fervor?

There are times when I feel trapped by my past. Perhaps it was because they were happier more carefree times.

I feel I am right there on the cusp. Almost ready to walk upright again. Trying to get used to a new skin. A skin I would not have asked for. I am trying to make the best of what comes my way. It can be hard to remain optimistic.

I feel and hope that this is at times karma kicking my ass and then in the next moment I feel and hope this is all just practice for the better times ahead. Either way I know know I feel the real me evolving, mutating becoming the person I want to be. The person with good things ahead. I have seen and done Evil and been good at it. Time to put it to rest.

Miked


Copyright 2010 Dunbridge Truckstop Global Media